Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
