TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
