its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
