the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
