someone threw a dead crab at me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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