Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
