I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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