You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
