My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
