I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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