Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i will never coherently bang her
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
