life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Randomize
