He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
