I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
