how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
