I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
