My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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