Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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