i think i have two assholes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
whose ass print is on the piano?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
