I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't deserve a penis
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize