a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
