then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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