before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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