He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Everclear isn't food dammit
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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