Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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