Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
