I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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