i permit you to call me
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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