I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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