I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
