so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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