mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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