I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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