Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
