I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Your penis caused this!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
