4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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