And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
