we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
