Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
