if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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