i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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