So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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