In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize