there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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