I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
