things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
there is glitter all over my balls
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