Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize