Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
