i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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