if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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