put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
