my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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