i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
