Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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