My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
The uberlube is also flammable
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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