you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
