one two three fourrrrnication!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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