You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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