You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
