Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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