Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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