she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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