I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
