The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
