Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
