Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
