im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
This is the high leading the old right now
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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