on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
