Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
They are going to name an STD after you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
