In the future we'll all be gay
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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