I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
